our own personal paradigm never really goes away: there’s a level of intelligence in this meat called Mark that rationalises that it’s a capable rational competent human being. Generally it’s fighting a battle with an unconscious system of beliefs. In most humans these beliefs are hidden. This human being did a considerable amount of personal development when it was younger and uncovered some of those beliefs. As a human being I’ve spent my whole life over compensation for being pathetic, stupid and useless by being determined. By being cleverer than you. By being kind and helpful and by making myself useful. The truth of the matter is: I am all of these things. And none of these things. I’m lying here typing this and who I really am is an electrical storm in a lump of meat which wonders why it’s here and knows it may no longer exist when the meat stops living. Body dies. The light inside it goes out and there is no more Mark. In the past two years it’s been quite difficult being Mark. Putting up with him over compensating for being an idiot. Dealing with his obsession for writing and writing music. Letting him run away from people that want to help. Hiding out with him in his bedroom vaping or making beats while he tries to get away from being Mark. Bearing with him while he types annoying things on Instagram and tries to write clever comments on other people’s posts to get noticed. I just had a dream about Howard Jones. In my dream he had wet hands. I shook his hand and inwardly went “yuk” .. I haven’t met Howard .. as a musician I’ve always tried to show everyone how clever I am which results in people going “wow this bloke should be our tech” .. and inviting me to work with them .. then I do all the clever stuff they can’t do .. like interface the MIDI on their computer so they can hold down one key on a keyboard and play an aria of sound samples .. when I actually want to sing my own songs or play guitar so that people can love me .. so I can choose any woman I want and buy Rolls Royces and drive them into swimming pools .. so I know all the other techs who work for famous musicians .. or I know lots of other musicians like me who are in famous people’s bands .. so in my dream I said “oh hi Howard I don’t think we’ve met but I know Robbie” like it would be an opener for a conversation .. which it wasn’t .. I mean I say I know these people but we are a really weird bunch .. I reckon most of the techs I know who work for these people are on the autism spectrum or certainly aren’t neurotypical .. backstage at any of these concerts you’ll find the people life rejected .. being on a tour bus with them is like being in an open asylum full of self medicating freaks .. and now I wonder why I tell you this stuff .. seems like an odd thing to do really because I don’t know who you are .. and when you meet me in person you’ll think you know me .. and I can guarantee you will have misunderstood nearly everything I’ve typed and will offer me a solution to my struggle with this bastard in my head who shouts “oh you fucking useless Twat” out loud whenever there’s a mistake .. the meat machine doesn’t make mistakes .. the paradigm never goes away .. shit happens .. the part of us that thinks it gets a say in life, interprets what happens within the parameters of our own personal paradigm .. your response will either come from your own personal paradigm or .. you’ll stop and consider your own personal paradigm and realise my mental noise and your mental noise are worthy of nothing more than a cup of tea and a bacon (vegan bacon if you must but the taste buds in this human think it’s utterly revolting) sandwich .. tomato sauce or brown sauce that’s the question .. comment below
Brown Sauce
